It was one year ago on this date that my youngest child disclosed to me that he is transgender.
I’m not allowed to make a “big deal” about this at home today, or have any kind of celebration, or really even acknowledge it, because my son is still not comfortable with the idea of being trans and prefers to be thought of and known as himself — the dude who just is. There is a disconnect from his past that, at some point, his therapist will work with him on — helping him to embrace and integrate who he was into who he is (because he always was who he is, we just didn’t know it, right?) and to be proud of the amazing accomplishments and life he had prior to transition. But, for now, i respect his wishes and the place he is in, and for his comfort, i’m keeping today just a typical day.
However, it’s important for me to acknowledge this milestone, and so…i will do that here.
One year ago, i had a depressed young teenager who was struggling with identity issues. At the time, i did not realize they were gender identity issues, and thought my child was going through typical teen “angst” that was worsened by depression that had a possible hereditary link. This child i knew at the time as my daughter was losing interest in things he was once passionate about, and most distressing to me was him giving up dancing ballet at the pre-professional level after years of wanting to be a professional dancer. The mood in our household was dark, and when my then-daughter developed a flirtatious relationship with a bisexual guy friend, i thought maybe things would improve.
Things did improve, but not right away, and not in the way i expected. While trying on some clothes to prepare for a get-together with this guy, my son put on a dress for the first time in months and became totally distraught. I saw a beautiful girl who was becoming a young woman, and, looking back i know that he saw himself in a body that was just wrong. We sat on the edge of his bed as i tried to figure out why he was so upset, and i remember him saying through tears and while shaking that he didn’t know what was wrong, but that those clothes just did not feel right. “I look in the mirror and i know i look good and i should be happy about that, but this just isn’t me!” he had said. I was so confused. I had no idea. No idea! Now it all seems so simple, and at the time i had no idea what was going on.
Over the next few days, he fell into a deep depression. At first, he told me he was sick. After several days of him staying in bed, i realized he wasn’t sick physically, but that something was going on emotionally. At first i thought it was just the general depression he had been suffering from for a year and a half, and i gave him space for a few days. Then, one evening he said something that made me realize that he knew — there was some cause for this deep sadness — and i sat down on the edge of his bed and told him i was not leaving his room until he told me. I can picture his face and those words just like it was one hour ago instead of one year ago: “I’m a boy.”
At some point during those quiet days, he had figured himself out. His first reaction was sadness, and then anger. He didn’t want this. I think he still doesn’t want it. And i think his difficulties have everything to do with our binary, heteronormative, judgmental society and nothing to do with who he is or how he was born.
Looking back over the last year, it’s almost impossible for me to believe the changes in my son, our family, our lives, and myself, even though i have lived through them. One year ago, i don’t think i had ever heard the terms cisgender, intersectionality, or transphobia. I knew what the “T” in LGBT stood for, but i didn’t really understand what it meant. I was an ally, but not an advocate. And i thought i knew my child, but i only knew the face he presented as he tried to live up to the expectations of our family and of society. When i think back on how much i’ve learned over the last year, and wonder how much more there is to learn that i may never know, it boggles my mind.
He will begin testosterone therapy in April. Our endocrinologist has a referral for a surgeon who will do top surgery at 16, which is only one more year and three months away. He still struggles with depression, anxiety, and his eating disorder keeps trying to get its foot back in the door. It’s been quite a year, but i am so grateful and thankful to be his mom and to be part of this journey.
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Even I, at 43 years old, struggle with gender transition, a transition that’s been in progress for the last 2 years.
Your son is extremely brave and inspiring to me. I, too, had that depression as a youth but wasn’t able to describe it till I was 41, after 30 years of it.
This quiet commemoration of yours is both heart-warming and gut-wrenching. I admire the courage that you, too, have summoned to help your son.
- Connie
Thank you so much, Connie. I love it that you have posted some videos at your blog, because now when you comment here i can picture your face as i read your replies. I feel like i know you better. Maybe sometime my son and i can make a short video and share privately with those of you who have been so helpful, inspiring, and important to us here.
Big hugs,
Karen
Hey Connie…check your Facebook “other” inbox messages folder =)
Will do.
Happy one year Karen! It’s been a pleasure to read about your family’s journey. So much can happen in a year, all sparked by a single conversation at a bedside. I hope that you all keep learning and pushing for a brighter future.
Katie
Thank you for sticking with us, Katie! Hope all has been well with you…i am sooo behind on keeping up with everyone else. It means a lot to have your encouragement.
=) Karen
Things are going really well having just passed my one year at my blog. Thank you for asking! I understand your feelings, for I too have fallen behind a bit with other blogs and my own writing. But the most important thing is that I’m happy.
So glad you are happy and things are going well. (and clearly i spend way too much time on facebook, because my first thought was to look for the “like” link on your comment!).
LOL. I’ve thought of having a Katie Facebook page, but then I realized I just wouldn’t have enough time for so many accounts.
The confusion gender can bring – those on the outside, included – is certainly something that’s so difficult to get through alone. I should know. We don’t realize how far we’ve come until we stop and reflect. I think these moments are important, even if they affect another more so. I’m glad you took the time to revisit that defining moment here. Your son is so lucky to have a mother like you. : )
Thank you. <3
Eh, one year birthdays are always more for the parents anyways. Congrats on making it your first year as a trans*parent. That’s what first birthdays are usually about. :)
That’s so true. You’d think having been through three one year birthdays already, i’d know this by now. Thanks for this perspective, i needed it.
I applaud all that you’ve learned over the past year and reaching this milestone. May the next year be better than the last!
Thanks so much! Hope things are going well for you, too.
Today, Groundhog’s day 2013, marks my one year anniversary on hormone therapy. Bless you and your amazing son!
Yay! Happy anniversary to you, Deanna Joy!
Congratulations – on the massive adaptations you’ve had to make over the last year and on being the most supportive parent a young trans* person could have. I hope and pray that over the next few years the path would become clear for you and that your son be able to find peace in what is still a very difficult situation. And thank you for your blog – reading your perspective on here has played a big part in giving me the courage to talk to my own mother about my own struggles with gender identity (which thankfully she took well).
Thank you so much for this. Your comments here over the last year have been such a great help to me. I am so happy to know that you’ve talked with your mother and that she took your news well. I hope you are receiving all the support you need. I don’t know where i’d have been over the last year without the perspective, advice, and encouragement of those of you here and the other parents i have connected with online at a support group for parents of trans* kids. I am so grateful to know you all.
Love to you and your family on this special day. I pray the next year will bring peace and wholeness for you all.
Oh i hope the same for you! Much love and many thanks.
Even when my son was four, I could see that I only knew a small part of his life, that he lived in a different world than I did and I was only involved in some pieces of his. It’s amazing how hard it is to know well you own children. I’m glad you are the person he could talk to, and that you’re taking this journey together.
Sometimes i think he only talks to me to shut me up — so i’ll stop asking him if he’s okay and how he’s doing and why he seems more down on a particular day — but whatever the case, he’s talking, and when we are done he always seems lighter and happier. He is not at all happy to be on this journey, but i am so glad to be walking it with him. You’re a parent, so you know…i love this kid so much. I know you are far from yours right now and i hope you are doing well. Thanks for stopping by. =)
Your whole family should silently celebrate. While everything’s not perfect yet (nor will it likely ever be) you’ve all made lots of progress, inside and out.
Karen – you make the world a better place, for your son and for countless others. Thank you.
I can’t tell you how much this means. I always feel warm and squishy when people say things like this. =) Really…i am just doing what i think any parent should do for their child, or any human being for their loved one of whatever relation. But thank you.
BTW are you going to be at the Philly Trans Health Conference again this year? Cause guess who is going for the very first time…!
Yes of course! Send me an email, let’s talk.
I will do that! Eventually! (I am so terrible with email…over 2000 in my inbox right now and i will never get caught up…)
We just booked our hotel today. I am so excited, mainly for my kid to be around so many other out & happy trans kids. And i get to meet you! Yay!
first off, i love your blog and have been really impressed and happy about you and your family’s whole story so far
i really don’t have much to add onto the well wishes and congratulations and such, but one thing i’d like to mention, since your son seems very concerned about top surgery, is that there are surgeons who will operate on minors even under 16 – they will not really advertise it, probably, but it’s far more than you might think. dr. beverly fischer and dr. gary alter are two that i know of who have operated on individuals who were 14 or 15. hope this was helpful/appropriate and again, best wishes for everything
Thank you for writing and for that info! Dr Beverly Fischer is actually who we will probably see, but i had no idea she would consider doing surgery before 16. My son’s best friend (also a trans guy) just turned 16 in December and is having surgery with her over Spring Break. He was referred by the endo which my son also sees. We are seeing the endo again next month and i will for sure ask for the referral early. Once he’s had top surgery, we can begin the process of changing his gender on legal documents too — something i would love to get done asap so he can apply for his learners permit, take PSATs, etc. on time and not be behind his peers. So, again, thank you for this information!
if i recall correctly – there’s no real referral that is needed for fischer, i think you can schedule a consultation on your own! unless by referral you meant like a doctor’s letter/second opinion sort of thing, which i’m fairly sure doesn’t have to be from the endocrinologist and is only needed for the surgery itself not the consultation? (although sometimes surgeons and insurance companies will have different requirements) i actually did have a consultation with dr. fischer, she’s very nice and definitely knows her stuff. i didn’t have surgery with her though, i had it a week ago with dr. richard bartlett but i’m 17 and i don’t know his policy on under-16s plus he’s more pricey. i know 2 people who both had surgery with fischer when they were fifteen, or almost fifteen i think for one of them. and during the consult i believe she even mentioned operating on a 12-year-old who was basically unable to function because of the dysphoria? anyway yeah, in terms of age stuff she’s got it made, she is very cool and the nurses are super nice too.
best of luck on stuff!
This is all awesome info! I cannot thank you enough. I really thought it would be a year+ before we could even consider this. Now i’m wondering if this is something we can do for my son this summer. I am definitely going to contact Dr Fischer.
Did you say you just had your surgery a week ago?
Thanks again for this. =)
i’m glad this was helpful! yup, about a week and a half post op today and i’m having one heck of a fast recovery – if this isn’t outta line i’d say to tell your son, PUSH UPS LIKE CRAZY and being as fit as possible will definitely make top surgery and recovery easier. i mean no promises, some people just aren’t good with anesthesia, and i also had a very non-invasive procedure (keyhole) and idk what your son might qualify for but…i mean, i’ve read recovery logs where even two or three weeks out people are still walking around slowly and taking painkillers and i didn’t need them after day one, and i think exercising and eating well made a very big difference. having strong abs is very important when you can’t use your arms to get out of bed. also in terms of how the results look, building up my pecs was very valuable for me – in fact i was able to get keyhole, which has a smaller incision than all the other procedures, because of how my chest shrank on t and with exercise. the fact that he’s young is definitely gonna be a plus too! gah sorry i’m getting a little overboard, i’m just really glad for y’all
Please, go overboard! I am loving all this info. I think he will qualify for the keyhole surgery because he is very petite. I am pretty sure that’s what his friend who is getting surgery over spring break is having done. Are you keeping a video diary or blog? Anything you have, i would love to see if you don’t mind sharing (and if it’s not public but you are comfortable letting me see it, my email is transformingmom@gmail.com). We’ve been given this same advice about having strong abs before so i will pass this on to my son once again. He’s pretty sedentary at the moment after having been super active for years (he was a dancer and used to attend class 5x a week for 2-4 hrs a day, depending on the day). I haven’t pushed him much to be active lately because of his eating disorder and my fear that he needs to hold on to all the calories he takes in, but i know that some strength building would be helpful to him. So again, thank you for this and please share any & all info you are comfortable sharing — and best wishes as you recover!
i do have a blog – it’s at thesoupoftheafternoon.tumblr.com, and there are some videos and pictures there.
exercise is really good in a lot of different ways, it was a serious mood booster for me even before i started noticing real muscle gains, and then when muscle gains happened it was even more of a mood booster. i’m not an expert on eating disorders by any means but i should also mention that testosterone can raise your appetite a somewhat ridiculous amount and also cause weight gain – i did gain about 7-10 pounds on testosterone, although i’m pretty sure most of it is muscle – so it could probably be useful for him to have an outlet like a sport or something, maybe martial arts or gymnastics? even just doing planks and pushups at random times throughout the day is worth it. and again, really glad i could help, and thanks a bunch!
Holy crap dude — you look incredible! I am sending your blog link to my son right away. I’m about to add a new post here that’s a lil bit gloomy (my son pre-reads a lot of my posts because i want to make sure i’m not sharing TMI and that he’s okay with them and he said it’s really sad) … but i have to admit your blog alone is making me feel more positive at the moment.
thanks! by the way in case my blog isn’t easy to navigate, my experience with dr fischer is here http://thesoupoftheafternoon.tumblr.com/post/30361405508/fischer-consultation
also, i think my mom just contacted you since i sent her a link to here. she may or may not have mentioned it but we’re also most likely going to be at the philly trans health conference this year so…anyway, you’re pretty rad and thank you i’m glad i could do some spirit lifting in this general area!
Your mom did email me! I probably won’t have time to reply tonight (or more accurately, i am just too tired…) but i very much appreciate her email and will respond tomorrow. I’m a PFLAG mom too. =)
And GUESS WHAT! Thanks solely to your comments here, i called Dr. Fischer’s office today and talked with them about my son. They had three questions that i guess are sort of guidelines for surgery at his young age: Had he been living as male for one year, was he seeing a therapist or doctor who could provide a consent letter, and was i his parent and willing to sign consent. When i said yes to all, they scheduled his consultation! I was in tears after we hung up, i was so excited. So i cannot thank you enough for this — i would have continued on in thinking that he had to wait until age 16 and he would have suffered for another year+ if not for your comments here. I am so glad you & your mom will be at the Philly conference so i can thank you in person and hug you for this life-changing info.
cripes wow – i mean i remember reading one post a while back where you did say your son was really prioritizing top surgery, and thinking “does she know even under-16s can get surgery?” and basically i don’t really know why i didn’t comment earlier, i am glad that even my slightly belated comment was in time! yes i definitely look forward to seeing you and your family, the whole event is really great on top of being a good source of information, we’ve only been once (in 2011, the year after that i had SAT IIs to take that weekend) but even that one time was awesome for gaining connections and information and things. congrats on the consult and hope stuff all goes well!
I knew that out on the West Coast there were some under-16s getting the surgery, but not here. In fact, for the first couple of months we were told by every doctor and pediatric endocrinologist that i contacted (and we visited the three major university hospitals in my state, plus i spent countless hours on the phone) that he could not even start hormones until 18! We have to drive out of state 3 hours one-way to his endo. So, when i heard a few months back that Dr. Fischer did top surgery for 16+ i actually thought that was out of the ordinary. The idea that my son could realistically and actually get it sooner than 16 NEVER occurred to me. So like i’ve said, THANK YOU!
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